Setbacks, Pivots, and Shame

I see the guilt beneath the shame
I see your soul through your window pane
I see the scars that remain -Lil Wayne

This year has been yet another year of self-discovery. I used to think that I'd have me all figured out by a certain age. If I had paid better attention to the elders, I'd know that my assumption was wrong. We never have it all figured out which is a lovely incentive to keep learning and growing.

I'm practicing becoming a more community-oriented person. I wrote about that here. I say practicing because it doesn't come naturally to me. American rugged individualism plus first-born daughter status sprinkled with a little Black girl magic created the strong Black woman persona that I'm eager to shed. I'm pretty good at being the helper in a community but terrible at being the helpee. (<-- I'm pretty sure that's not a word and I don't care).

This week, as practice and from need, I accepted a loved one's offer to complete an energy-draining and time-consuming favor for me. Last night there was a setback and my relative now has to spend more energy and time to help me. I immediately started down a shame spiral. I felt the heart flutters of anxiety and the unwelcome feeling of self-directed anger. My inner chatter sounded something like this:

What an idiot! Why didn't you predict that setback? You should have controlled all of the variables. You are so stupid for not considering all of the variables. You put that person at risk. You're a terrible person for inconveniencing him. You should have just done it yourself. I should have prayed. I should be praying now. You are irresponsible. Failure. Why me? Why now? You ruined everything.

Whew. What a terribly uncomfortable inner conversation. That was a lot to sit through and process. And it was completely blown out of proportion. You would have thought I caused the destruction of the universe. As if I have that type of power. What an ego.

This setback, though not minor, is not the end of the world. It is not life-threatening. What's more, I have the resources to deal with it. My inner chatter was quite unreasonable. But what's reason got to do with it?

It's so easy to unconsciously fall back into unhelpful reactions to everyday situations. For me, unhelpful reactions include negative self-talk which leads to anxiety and shame and, ultimately, to isolation. I was tempted to rescind the favor agreement; to remove myself from the community, so to speak, and return to individualism. Not because I didn't trust my loved one but because the feeling of being such a burden felt unbearable.

Luckily, I've learned (and practiced) the art of pausing to recognize my thoughts so I can choose to respond in a healthier way. Brené Brown offers three strategies for stopping the shame spiral.

Kinder Self-Talk

Brené Brown encourages us to talk to ourselves as if we were talking to someone we love. I would never tell my children that they are stupid and ruined everything. Yet, I effortlessly did so to myself. I was able to journal my way to a more positive inner dialogue.

Get Support

Research finds that shame and the unhealthy behaviors it produces decrease when we experience empathy from people we trust. Building and reaching out to a trustworthy community is imperative.

Tell Your Story

Brené Brown states, "Shame cannot survive being spoken." As I wrote in my journal and as I prepare to publish this post, I feel a weight being lifted. There's something liberating about speaking about what shame tells you to keep secret. Thank you for allowing me to taste a little freedom tonight.

Categories: : Wellness