Who Are You

All of the questions in my life will be answered
When I decide which road to choose
What is the answer to the question of you? -Prince

In a group last week, the facilitator asked us to reflect on the question, "Who are you?" It's a familiar question even though the answer is often elusive.

Frequently when I attempt to answer that question I'm really answering the question "What are you?" And I reply that I'm a mother, daughter, granddaughter, sister, educator, therapist, student, etc. I state the various roles I inhabit. I define myself in relation to what I am to other people. Is there more to me than that?

Who are you outside of your roles? Who am I? Roles shift all the time. A month ago my professional identity was very different than it is today. As my children age, my parenting role has shifted too. What it means to be a daughter at 51 is decidedly different than it was 10-15 years ago.

Who does the therapist become when she is no longer employed in that role? What happens to the mother when her children no longer need daily caregiving? And how does the child contemplate one day parenting their parent?

I think I used to get stuck on the question of my true self because I expected it to be something static. I expected there to be one true self somewhere underneath all the roles or obligations. Sometimes, I resisted change fearing that I'd be seen as a hypocrite. I didn't allow myself to desire something new. Or try things I may have previously disliked or feared. Thankfully, that resistance is no longer a part of who I am.

I don't believe there is one immovable self. At least not for me. Past circumstances have influenced who I am. And future experiences will shift my identity in ways I'm unable to predict. Each moment I experience alters me in some way. Each conversation. Each interaction. And, despite what I implied earlier, each role. The roles I accept, shed, and turn down are all important to understanding who I am.

Interconnectedness is common to Indigenous philosophies and spiritual practices. While it goes against the separatist, individualistic Western thought I've been socialized in, interconnectedness feels more natural to me. My roles and relationships are not all that I am. And they are not unchanging. They are, however, important. I do not live in a vacuum. I am a part of everything else that exists. And everything that exists is part of who I am.

Categories: : Writing