Some Thoughts On This Thing Called Life

“You’re not alone like you think you are
You’re not alone like you think you are
We all have scars, I know it’s hard
You’re not alone, you’re not alone” -Arlo Parks

TW: Suicide and suicide ideation
For crisis support and prevention call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1800-273-8255 or text the Crisis Text Line at 741741

Someone I knew died by suicide earlier this week. I received a text about it at 8:00 in the morning. Not the way I wanted to start my day. But those who have never contemplated taking their own life are not always aware that certain messages need trigger warnings. Harsh realities need warmth. A little cushion to soften the blow. I wish I was seen as a person who needs softness. Because I do.

“Do you remember [redacted] from the neighborhood and [redacted] HS? He committed suicide last night.”

I need more warmth.

His parents and my grandmother are friends. Connected through church and Bible studies. He and I went to high school together. Had some classes together. I probably haven’t seen him in over 20 years. Well, maybe 10. Was he at the last reunion I attended? I’m not sure. Not a very warm recollection for a victim…Wait. Do we get to call him a victim if he’s the one who did the committing? What then? Perpetrator? Sinner? People think like that. I remember watching a church program with my grandma and they said people who commit suicide go to hell since their final act was a sin. I didn’t believe that. I still don’t. Did my classmate? Did his parents? Does my grandma?

I need a little cushion.

This has been a hard week. I have been bombarded with reminders of how, in the not-so-distant past, I, too, wanted to end my life. Megan Markle disclosed that she experienced perinatal depression and suicide ideation. Her disclosure was met with accusations of lying and clout chasing. She’s an actress who married into a monarchy and is friends with Serena Williams. And she talks about suicide for clout? Fuck outta here.

Like her, I have felt like I couldn’t be left alone. I always had one of my children with me. I knew I wouldn’t harm myself if they were near. I didn’t want them to be the ones to find my body. That’s some macabre shit. And to think, if I had told anyone, I could have been accused of being attention-seeking. I don’t like to think about it. But sometimes I do. This week I am.

Someone tweeted that they didn’t believe Megan Markle was suicidal because “she didn’t go through with it.” Was her pain not real? What about mine? Are we survivors? Or failures? Suicide failure. That’s some fucked up shit. But I sometimes feel like that. Like I should just add it to my list of failures. Like my living is just indicative of my lack of follow-through. What then of [redacted]? Not a failure. Victim? Perpetrator? Sinner? What am I? Failure? Liar? Also a sinner? The Bible says something about wrong thoughts coming before wrong acts. I’ve had wrong thoughts. I don’t like to think about it. But sometimes I do. This week I am.

Softer. Please. Softer.

I have some nerve demanding softness. Who takes the news of another person’s death and makes it all about them? But grief always falls on the shoulders of the living. Who would have guessed I’d be the living? Now, am I grieving? His parents are grieving. His wife. His children. They’re grieving. All of his friends and coworkers. My grandmother is grieving too. Am I? Should I be? Would anybody notice? I don’t know. But let me tell you what I do know.

I know the pain and despair that lead one to believe that death is the only option. I’m so sorry he experienced that.
I am not cured. I am better at managing depression. I no longer see death as my only option. But I know, that if circumstances or brain chemistry were to change, I may consider it to be an option. This leads me to the next thing I know.
I have to affirm my life daily. I have to work on my strategies. Practice gratitude. Hug my family. Take my supplements. Consult my ancestors. Write. Hydrate. Document my feelings. Exercise. Learn from my plants. Meditate. Sleep. Seek support. And never let up. Never. Let. Up.

For crisis support and prevention call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1800-273-8255 or text the Crisis Text Line at 741741

Rest well, dear one. May angels embrace you with softness and warmth. May you be at peace.

Categories: : Wellness