Parenting While Depressed
nikki 
“…sometimes it’s scary but that’s okay…because it’s still just you and me.” -Jack (from the movie Room)
Trigger Warning: Kidnapping; Rape; Suicide attempt
I did my master’s thesis paper on the effects of maternal stress and depression on child self-regulation skills…while severely depressed…and mothering a child with self-regulation challenges. Some other time, I’ll write about how my academic and professional life has been a series of attempts to fix the problems of my personal and family life. Today, I want to focus on maternal depression and my new favorite movie Room.
Room is a 2015 movie based on Emma Donoghue’s best-selling novel with the same name. It is about the relationship between Ma (Brie Larson), a young woman kidnapped and confined to a small shed for seven years, and her five-year-old son Jack (Jacob Tremblay) who was conceived and born in captivity. Brie Larson and Jacob Tremblay played the hell out of their roles. If you haven’t watched the movie, I highly recommend that you do. And, if you don’t want spoilers, watch it before continuing to read this post. Please be aware that this post’s trigger warnings apply to the movie as well.
Ma, as you would imagine, endured tremendous trauma and, subsequently, depression. She also felt deep love and glimmers of hope through her relationship with her son. While I have never experienced the type of trauma illustrated in the movie, I have navigated the murky waters of mothering children while severely depressed. Room does a fantastic job of depicting parenting with depression.
“You’re the best at reading and songs and lots…” -Jack
Ma creates a magical, stimulating, and educational environment for Jack despite the worst circumstances. She sings to him, does crafts, reads and tells stories to him. She manages to bathe him, wash his clothes, and concern herself about his vitamin intake and physical fitness. Sometimes, parenting with depression looks just like textbook (or these days, Pinterest) parenting. I managed to present well most of the time. I managed to sing all the nursery rhymes, watch all the PBS Kids shows, teach all the sight words, visit all the museums, give all the hugs, and invest in all of my children’s interests. I wanted to create a safe, engaging, and loving world for my children. I did so even when I was unable to create one for myself.
“…except if you’re having a Gone Day.”
-Jack
Some days my desire to be a good mother was not enough. Some days, weeks, and months, depression won. Sometimes self-loathing, hopelessness, and migraines kept me in bed. Or made me irritable and not very patient. Or isolated me and prevented me from being a good playmate. Those were “Gone Days.” My children, like Jack in the movie, had to fend for themselves on those days.
Ma: “But he had me.”
Interviewer: “But was it the best thing for him?”
Following their rescue, Ma attempts to re-acclimate to life outside of Room. She agrees to do a television interview to earn money to support her independence. The interviewer suggests that Jack’s life may have been better if Ma had convinced her captor to drop him off at a hospital when he was born. Ma, who couldn’t imagine life without her son, begins to imagine her son’s life as better without her.
Suicide ideation and attempts are often regarded as selfish acts. In my experience, nothing could be further from the truth. It is not uncommon for people who have considered suicide to be driven by the need to end their own pain as well as the pain they perceive they cause others. The one suicide plan I made was done so with the intent of giving my youngest son a better life. Yes, he had me. But I was a mess and truly believed he would be better without me. Pushing through and trying to live for your children only takes you so far.
Ma: “I’m not a good enough Ma.”
Jack: “But you’re Ma.”
Room has a happy ending. Not a fairy tale one. But a happy one. Ma not only survives. She gets better. But not without taking the time to address and learn ways to manage the effects of the trauma she experienced. Though not shown in the movie, I know from my personal journey that addressing trauma and depression and learning coping strategies can be an excruciating, enduring undertaking. Yet, for me, it has been extremely worth it. Children observe everything you do; including how you speak about and take care of your mental health. Resiliency, forgiveness, and repaired relationships are gifts that can be available to families impacted by depression. I only became aware of these gifts when I sought treatment for depression and, later, anxiety. There are still days I wonder if I’m a good enough mother. At the end of those days, however, I know I’m doing my best. My kids don’t need a perfect mom. They just need their mom well. I’m glad I survived long enough to get better.
Categories: : Wellness