In Search of the Right Therapy

Originally posted February 12, 2020

“The trail of tears what they got me like a Cherokee on
Between the ears something I require therapy on
For working to the bone like my name Robert Guillaume” -Black Thought

Therapy is and has been an invaluable part of my life. It has, in fact, been a major part of what’s kept me alive. When I met my current therapist I was in the middle of a major depressive episode. Results from my initial screening indicated that I needed to be seen on a weekly basis. In order to accommodate this need, I was originally treated by different counselors. I’m not sure how my therapist became the one to stay with me when I was able to move to monthly sessions. Maybe she drew the shortest straw. I don’t know. I do know that it was the best thing for me.

Finding the right therapist can be hard. There have been hits and misses on my journey to find appropriate therapy. To name a few:

Hits

I first learned how to meditate in therapy. Meditation changed my emotional and spiritual life.
One therapist taught me breathing techniques that I use (almost) daily.
I became aware of the signs of intimate partner violence in a previous relationship. Although, I ghosted that therapist for her insight. I wasn’t ready to face it.
I also became aware of my pattern of hiding my issues behind my professional and personal endeavors of “fixing” everyone else’s issues. That awareness has been so important to my healing. But it was a struggle. So, yeah, I ghosted her too.

Misses

I was diagnosed with single motherhood. Seriously, I wasn’t given strategies to manage the overwhelm that I now recognize stemmed from anxiety and perfectionism. I was just told that was the way things would be.
I was misdiagnosed with bipolar disorder and given medication that did more harm than good.
I had church counselors whose judgment was too Old Testament to be helpful to me.
I was told I have no trauma because I couldn’t remember it.

Thankfully, I now have proper diagnoses, treatment plans, and a safe space for brutally honest and open dialogue. It’s good. But they say all good things must… I don’t even want to finish that statement.

I followed my therapist to her new office an hour away from my home. It was totally necessary at the time. Now, the benefits may not outweigh the time and travel costs. Scheduling sessions has become increasingly difficult. Also, after two and a half years, I’m starting to feel as if I need or want to explore other healing modalities. While cognitive behavioral therapy has been helpful, the emphasis on cognition can be limiting. I am more than my conscious thoughts. I am complex emotions and creative energy and hormonal fluctuations influenced by ancestral memories, family systems, sunlight, and the moon. I finally feel strong enough to own those other parts of me. And I want my mental health practices to reflect that. I’m not planning on quitting therapy all together. But I’m seeking something (not quite sure what) a little closer to my heart and a lot closer to home.

Categories: : Wellness