How To Help A Loved One Experiencing Depression

Originally published November 15, 2019

“Your energy feels so damn good to me
It picks me up don’t wanna come down” -Erykah Badu

I am dating an incredible man. On this blog, I have referred to him as my love, honey, or darling. I don’t usually use the word boyfriend because we’re 47 years old. We seem a bit old for that term. Boyhood was a long time ago. But “manfriend” just sounds weird. Anyway, we’ve been together for three years and we’re grown. Whatever that makes us. From here on out, I’ll call him A.G.

I really feel that A.G. should be guest-writing this post. I had no idea that a person, who was not my mom, would be willing and able to support me during a depressive episode. If you were to ask me what kind of support I needed, I wouldn’t have known how to answer. Thanks to this man in my life, I now have a blueprint.

watch, listen, and learn

Depression can be a difficult thing to understand if you’ve never experienced it. Even if you have, it can present differently for different people. For me, depression feels like being stuck in a fog and hating myself for my inability to see. Physically, I’m more susceptible to migraines and nausea. Socially, I withdraw. Emotionally, I’m irritable, sad, hopeless, and irritable again. A.G. learned these things about me. He noted my moods. He paid attention to, not only what I said about my feelings, but how I said it. He observed my body language and sleep habits. Most importantly, he continues to seek understanding by listening deeply to me as I explain my experiences with depression.

say the right things

It can take time for words to penetrate depression’s fog. The right words, however, are powerful. A.G. let me know that I was not alone. He told me he wanted to help and asked me how to do so. He pointed out things I did well when I was unable to see them for myself. Helpguide has great tips for talking about depression that are worth checking out.

offer to carry (part of) the load

During a depressive episode, little tasks can feel too heavy to bear. Ironically, depression also makes it difficult for me to feel worthy enough to ask for and receive help. Not being able to do all of the things I “should” do leads to more self-loathing and deeper depression. Having someone who offers to help, dependably follows through, and doesn’t treat my receiving help as a character flaw has been a game-changer. Whether A.G. cooks for me, picks up my kid, brings me tea to work, or changes my windshield wipers, his help has been invaluable.

know when to say nothing

The wrong words can feel worse than silence. Most people who have experienced depression have also been on the receiving end of, well-meaning, yet harmful words.

Snap out of it.
Happiness is a choice.
Other people have it worse than you.

When A.G. didn’t know what to say or when he could tell I was not in the mood for talking, he was quiet. He was there, but quiet. There were times I would leave work in the middle of the day, drive to his house, and just cry while he held me. He wasn’t annoyed that I interrupted his sleep. He didn’t force me to talk about why I was upset again. He didn’t spit empty rhetoric about looking on the bright side. He simply held me until I was able to get myself together and return to work.

support the treatment plan

I need an accountability partner. A.G. encourages me to make and keep my therapy appointments. He asks how I feel after each session. When I wasn’t taking medicine, he didn’t judge. When I started taking medicine, he didn’t judge. When I needed him to store my medicine at his house because of my history of stockpiling pills, he did so without question. He reminds me to take my vitamins, eat healthy fats, and get enough sleep. He is totally in favor of the steps I take to feel better.

Zoloft is not a cure. And nobody has time (or co-pay money) to see a therapist daily. Much of the treatment for depression, at least in my case, has been nonclinical. Learning to support loved ones who experience depression can truly make a difference.

Categories: : Wellness