Getting Free
nikki 
"And my fans who been so patient, me and 40 back to work but we still smell like a vacation" -Drake
Earlier I posted about a bad habit that keeps me from accomplishing my goals. I attributed the habit’s origins to fear. As someone who has experienced much anxiety, I often attribute my faults to fear. However, as I’ve reflected more, I see there are other influences.
What
keeps me from capitalizing on enthusiasm and moving forward with my
goals? What keeps me from following a path
towards freedom particularly in the area of earning money? Why did I think I needed separate months for work and leisure? I know
there is plenty of room for me to grow personally. But I’m not
letting our society completely off the hook.
I have grown up in what bell hooks referred to as an "imperialist white supremacist capitalist patriarchy.” I, therefore, have a lot of unconscious conditioning to resist as I seek a new way of living.
Capitalism, in this country, is rooted in
violence and oppression. Stolen labor on stolen lands created
American wealth. Humans traded like stocks and insured like property.
Humans were displaced, tortured, and murdered. All in the name of profits
and power. These practices continue to oppress American citizens and
infect other lands. Only now, many of us have internalized capitalist ideals and promote them to our own detriment.
Now, on the surface, it may seem like my goals are in alignment with capitalism. I have created my own business. I want to charge money for goods and services. I want to make a profit so I can buy property. Isn’t that the American dream?
But my real dream is freedom.
Entrepreneurship alone does not signal freedom. 16.5 % of US citizens have started their own business. I wonder how many of those are side gigs providing supplemental income because one job isn't enough to survive on. I wonder how many were started by people who lost their jobs during the pandemic while their bosses pocketed the PPP loans. I wonder how many of these entrepreneurs work more hours for themselves with fewer benefits.
That is not the life I want to live.
How am I going to be free if I got no days off? Or if I can't take time to visit my family? Or don't have time to sleep? Grinding is not freedom.
What does all this have to do with my writing and coaching?
Capitalism ideals skew our notions of time and what we're allowed to do with it. It makes us divide time into large chunks that we dedicate to labor and much smaller portions that we must use to care for our basic needs and play. We, at best, live perpetually for short weekend breaks or, at worst, work ourselves into an early grave.
I don't like those options.
What I want goes against what society deems appropriate. And sometimes, it feels unsafe to against the grain. Much of this is unconscious. We don't always realize why or how self-sabotage aligns us with our oppressors. Awareness comes with a lot of self-reflection and sitting with uncomfortable feelings. Thankfully, I've grown to love both of those practices.
I am not capital to be used by the system. My labor, body, and energy will not be abused or depleted for profit. I will not imprison myself to facilitate the freedom of others.
I believe I can use my gifts to earn an income in a way that doesn't oppress myself or others. I believe that I can choose a life of ease. I believe there's more to my life than my work. I believe that I can do my life's work while at play. I believe I can do all this under conditions that benefit my well-being and relationships. And that I can do it from the beach.
When I forget these beliefs...when I doubt or actively work against them, I'll turn to these words by Tricia Hersey from The Nap Ministry:
“You were not just born to center your entire existence on work and labor. You were born to heal, to grow, to be of service to yourself and community, to practice, to experiment, to create, to have space, to dream, and to connect.”
And so it is.