Do You See What I See?

“Quick, fast, in a hurry,
Don’t worry.
Flava vision ain’t blurry.” -Flava Flav

I read that Audre Lorde’s vision was so poor as a child that she thought that the treetops were really green clouds. I wonder how she felt when her first pair of glasses allowed her to see the definition of individual leaves and the actual clouds beyond them. Was she relieved? Or was she disappointed that the magical green clouds she once believed in did not exist? Or both? Seeing things more clearly can open new worlds while shutting the door on others. Clear sight can lead to gains and losses. 2020 was aptly the temporal equivalent of a new pair of glasses. We were shown in HD some truths about our world which meant confronting ideas we imagined to be true.

Here in the ironically named United States of America, we have imagined a nation of liberty and justice for all. We imagined a nation of great medical advances. We imagined a nation of workers content with bootstraps and non-union jobs. We imagined a nation that protects the physical and emotional welfare of children. 2020 publicly reminded us that this was complete and utter bullshit.

I had to face some of my own bullshit in 2020 as well. Lockdowns, job insecurity, and daily reminders of mortality create ripe conditions for introspection and shadow work. I came face to face with some truths about myself that had been previously easy to ignore.

For starters, I’ve equated conflict avoidance with peacekeeping. I’ve done this despite knowing full well, that I feel no peace when I fail to confront what I feel needs confronting. I don’t want to do that anymore. At least, I want to be aware and honest about it when I do.

Secondly, I have body issues. I’m intolerant of my food intolerances and of my serotonin dips and of the 20 extra pounds I been gifted in the past few years. I have treated my body like a burden; like a betrayal. How can I be trusted to support others through their insecurities when I can’t be trusted to face mine?

Further, I still carry codependent and martyrdom tendencies around in my back pocket. To be pulled out whenever family members get sick or if a friend needs a few (hundred) dollars or if a client’s trauma mirrors my own. Once when I was 14 and upset about something I no longer remember, I declared that I was never going to be happy but that I would make other people happy. Silly of me to fall back on teenage me’s proclamation as if it were law.

2020 was a year of revelation. A year in which we were all given an opportunity to upgrade our prescriptions and improve our vision. Not all will choose to do so. The allure of magical green clouds is too strong for some. But, I, for one, cannot unsee all that I’ve seen. What about you?

Categories: : Wellness