Anxiety and the Need for Control

Originally published January 16, 2020

“When it has to do with my life, my life
I wanna be the one in control.” -Janet Jackson

Surprise, surprise. I don’t like surprises. I don’t like the feeling of being (mis)led down one path only to be abruptly taken down a different one. Even for something supposedly “good.” I don’t like surprise parties. If I’m expecting a quiet night at home, I don’t want surprise guests showing up. If I’m just expecting to watch a basketball game, you better not propose to me in the stands. And speaking of proposals, what’s up with people putting rings in champagne glasses or desserts? That’s not a romantic surprise. It’s a choking hazard. And a clear sign to end the relationship.

I had an ex pull a surprise proposal on me before. At our baby shower. In front of my mama and dem. He handed me a box as I was opening gifts. I asked who it was from so I could write it down on my thank you card list. He wouldn’t tell me. I started to get angry. Why couldn’t he just tell me? I started to feel uncomfortable. I finally opened it and it was an engagement ring. A whole ass (little) diamond ring in the box. He presented it to me. In front of my family. Without warning. We hadn’t even talked about marriage. Why would he do that? I was not prepared. Not to answer. Not for the folks to be in our relationship business. Not to wear a ring on my pregnancy-sized finger. And in case you’re wondering, I don’t remember what I said at that moment. I remember how I felt, however. I felt unsettled, put on the spot, out of control of the situation, and angry. Don’t surprise me. I don’t like it.

I have had other people who have surprised me seemingly out of love. Or so they say. It has always backfired. My discomfort and anger always outweighed the supposed nice gesture. If you want to do something nice for me, just tell me. And then I can decide if, when, where, and how to receive it. I can prepare and have some control. To paraphrase Ms. Jackson, when it has to do with my life, time, meals, and declaring my relationship status, I want to be in control.

I like to know things. I feel more comfortable when I know things. I feel less comfortable when I don’t know things that will make me more comfortable. And if someone withholds information I need for my comfort, I feel betrayed.

My need for information has helped me develop excellent research and planning skills. I gather all the information I can. I research flights, neighborhoods, and weather. I plan holidays and trip itineraries way in advance. I like agendas and clear show lineups. If you invite me to an event, you best believe I need to know what’s on the menu, how long we’re going to stay, and who all’s gonna be there.

I have recently connected my animosity toward surprises and my need for information with my anxiety. I fear not knowing enough; not being prepared well enough; not having the proper response. I feel anxious when I don’t know what to expect. So I try to control all the variables by gathering all the information. That’s an impossible task.

I’m trying to lighten up a bit. In fact, I have lightened up. I am dating a man who is less attached to certainties than I am. He approaches life with a spontaneity my anxious ass has only read about in fairy tales. You may think spontaneity and anxiety would lead to frequent misunderstandings. Thankfully, it has not. I’ve learned to trust and relinquish my imagined control of all outcomes. And he’s learned to be sensitive to and prepare for things that may make me feel unsettled. Last weekend we went on a mystery trip to Las Vegas. I knew the trip dates and what to pack but I didn’t know where we were going until the night before. And that’s only because he accidentally told me. I wasn’t able to pick our hotel or review all the vegan restaurants in the area. I didn’t plan bus and Uber routes. I didn’t know where our activities were in advance. I just showed up. And I didn’t die. I was fine. Better than fine. I had a great time. My honey made perfect plans. That’s not to say that everything was controlled. Just that I’m learning to enjoy life without attempting to control every aspect of it.

We were in Vegas though. So of course, there was a wedding chapel near our hotel. You know what that means. Nah, I’m playin’. He knows better.

Categories: : Wellness